The Elusive Female Orgasm has long been seen as complex, rare and difficult to talk about. But it’s important to remember that the pursuit of an orgasm is meant to be fun — you’re not trying to debug a computer. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with great sex that doesn’t necessarily end in an orgasm, either — it’s still great sex.
The truth is, women’s orgasms are not physically more complicated than mens — it’s just that historically, less focus has been put on the female climax. For that reason, many of us find ourselves in the dark trying to fumble for the light switch.
If you’re looking to close the orgasm gap with your partner, there are a few simple ways you can start to work towards it together. Of course, there’s no blanket rule of how to make your partner climax — every woman is different to the next and it will come down to the experience with their body, and open communication of what they like. Here’s where to begin.
Why do women orgasm less often than men?
A national survey conducted in the United States showed that women reported one orgasm for every three from men. The survey of 2,850 single men and women found that women could experience orgasm with a familiar partner at an average rate of 63%, while men reached orgasm more than 85% of the time.
But why the disparity? There’s nothing about the female body that makes it ‘harder’ or ‘more complicated’ to orgasm. On the contrary, it takes women the same amount of time to orgasm during masturbation as it takes men. On average to have one through intercourse it’s four minutes.
One potential reason pinpoints traditional social factors. Women are primed to feel like the giver in a sexual situation, not the receiver. The male orgasm traditionally spells the end of the encounter: he came, she did a good job. Fin.
Thankfully, these old-fashioned views about the gender roles during sex are quickly being unravelled. Women are, rightfully, becoming more forthright about what they want (and how they want it) and guiding their partners on how to help them climax.
How can you help?
Research has shown that the more comfortable a woman is with a man, the more likely she is to orgasm. Women in relationships are having almost seven times as many orgasms as women hooking up for the first time. So, step one: don’t expect it the first time you have sex. Enquiring why she didn’t climax after the first few times you’ve been intimate may create tension and even anxiety for her moving forward. Be patient; the more familiar you become, the more likely she is to relax and reach orgasm.
Secondly, understand how the female orgasm works — it’s usually but not always a combination of both clitoral and penetrative sex. Some women will climax purely from oral sex, whilst others (admittedly, much less) will climax from penetrative sex only. For many women, however, it will be a mix of both.
Make it part of your sexual conversation
Feeling anxious or stressed is a climax-killer for women. If she senses you are becoming impatient or frustrated during sex because she is yet to reach climax, you’re not going to create an environment in which she feels comfortable to.
Take her lead. Sometimes, sex is going to be great without orgasming. Other times, it may catch her (and you!) by surprise. As women mature, they become more in tune with how and when they will want to reach climax — the trick is to make sure she feels good about talking with you about it.
MORE: Want more control over your climax? Find out how you can get it here.
Open up the conversation at a time that you’re not in the throes, when you can have an open chat about what’s working for her, and what’s not. Showing that you care is going to be a big turn-on — and once you nail the formula of what works for her, she’ll feel fantastic and you’ll have a smile.
Don’t be scared of the female orgasm. It’s not an evil troll hiding in a cave, refusing to come out. It’s a pretty explosive and wonderful thing, and all it takes is open communication and maybe some fancy tongue work to get it happening.